I have a love affair with chocolate chip cookies. They are my favorite. MY FAVORITE. The food I can't refuse. That thing I can't have just one of (unless there is only one left). Chocolate chip cookies were my thing to make growing up. I would crack open the bag of chocolate chips and my dad and I would each have a small handful and smile at each other. They're his favorite too. :) And it was just an unspoken tradition that the night they were baked you got to stuff your face with as many as you wanted (with tall glasses of milk to wash it down). The next day was when you only ate 2 or 3 at a time (these were not ginormous cookies as pictured below). I don't go out and buy premade cookie dough either. In our house they must be made from scratch. But I don't discriminate when it comes to eating them. From scratch, premade squares, packaged--you name it, if its a chocolate chip cookie I will eat it. With joy and pleasure.
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| I had a coupon for a free cookie--so of course I chose chocolate chip. Thanks Subway! |
At least I used to.
Sadly, these days food carries a lot of guilt for me. About 7 years ago I lived with a friend who was very into nutrition and health, and her love for it got me interested. When I got married and started cooking more often my interest grew--I read books, tried new recipes, tried to be active and ate a lot of "fat free" stuff in an effort to be more "healthy." As I delved deeper into the world of health and nutrition I focused more on whole foods and real foods--trying to cut out a lot of processed junk and cook from scratch. I became more aware how food affected my body--and more selective as to what made it in. I was just starting to experiment with traditionally prepared foods when I started being thirsty ALL.THE.TIME. Yep, a couple of months later I was diagnosed with Insulin Dependent Diabetes, or Type 1 Diabetes.
All of a sudden, food became the enemy. What I had enjoyed so freely before was restricted. I used to feel a little guilty if I ate too many sweets in one day or a certain week. Now every bite I put in my mouth had to be thought out and accounted for. Grab-n-go food seemed a thing of the past--granola bars and packs of crackers are pretty loaded with carbs after all. The first week after I got out of the hospital I ate grilled chicken, a salad and a sweet potato every night. It was a scary time. I tried to look on the bright side though--thankfully I wasn't addicted to soda, I wasn't a bread fanatic, I loved green vegetables and liked to cook healthy things. People said things like "You'll do great with this!" and "Well, if it had to happen to someone, you're one who can handle it." Gee, thanks.
Then there were the people who now thought they had permission to judge me and the food on my plate. Yeah, walk by at a pot luck and tell the new diabetic girl "No!" when she has cake on her plate and wag your finger at her, that'll really help her adjust to her lifelong disease. Or when she holds out her plate to be served tell her "You can't have this," because that'll really help her get over the guilt she's already feeling for wanting a small helping of mac & cheese. I did enjoy shattering peoples preconceived notions of things they thought they knew though. When they talked about "You can't eat ________, can you?" I loved to tell them "I can eat anything I want. It may not be the best choice for my blood sugar, but I can still eat it and dose my insulin accordingly."
{Stepping off my soapbox now . . .}
Fast foward to now. As this pregnancy progresses, I feel more and more guilt over every bite I put in my mouth that doesn't consist of meat or kale or cauliflower. I know that the food I eat affects my baby. I've also reached the point in my pregnancy where my insulin needs are really beginning to rise. My numbers are not those of an A1c of 6 anymore. Butterbean is going to begin adding fat to his/her little body very soon and if I'm eating tons of wheat and sugar, that's not good for baby. But then again, that's not a good thing for any baby. Self-control is especially hard in a crowd where no one else is worried about their blood sugar (because none them have diabetes). But I worry that I won't be able to control myself from eating those corn chips, or that piece of birthday cake, or those chocolate chip cookies (because I won't have just one!). And then Butterbean will blow up like a balloon and his/her lungs won't be fully developed and he/she will come early and have low blood sugar after he/she has been delivered by c-section because he/she was too big to be delivered vaginally. As I ate my free cookie from Subway today, this is the train of thought I had. And it was the same train of thought as I ate Super Bowl party snacks this past Sunday. And Christmas breakfast. And Thanksgiving Dinner. And when I had tacos last week. And when I made blueberry biscuits last month. It seems I'm never without fear and guilt over food now. There are the days when I feel proud of myself--when I made roast chicken, kale and cauliflower for dinner and ate an almond flour scone for dessert and my numbers were perfect. But those moments feel so few and far between.
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| 25 week bump |
And now, heaven help me, I see the nutritionist again in 2 weeks, so the food log has begun again. I feel so much pressure leading up to every appointment with her. I know she's not the bad guy, but man do I feel judged as she scrutinizes my diet! I want to tell her, you're not diabetic, you don't know what its like! Your pancreas functions the way it should--who are you to tell me what I can and can't eat when you don't know what its like to have a body that doesn't work the way its supposed to?! But she's just doing her job and I know nothing about her--she could be battling a disease I know nothing of. She's trying to help people improve their lives and health by being a nutritionist. She's trying to help me, not stress me out.
So, all this being said, the struggle is real folks. As a pregnant type 1, I have realized lately how much fear, anxiety, and guilt I experience related to food right now. Will this continue post-birth? I have no idea. But I know I judge myself 8 times a day or more by a number on a screen coming from a single drop of blood. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. If you have every felt this way, take heart. You are not alone. And there is hope in Christ.
And it is this hope that I leave you with:
2 Corinthians 12:9 says:
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
In weakness,
Lindsey
