The Struggle is Real: Food Guilt

I have a love affair with chocolate chip cookies.  They are my favorite.  MY FAVORITE.  The food I can't refuse.  That thing I can't have just one of (unless there is only one left).  Chocolate chip cookies were my thing to make growing up.  I would crack open the bag of chocolate chips and my dad and I would each have a small handful and smile at each other.  They're his favorite too.  :)  And it was just an unspoken tradition that the night they were baked you got to stuff your face with as many as you wanted (with tall glasses of milk to wash it down).  The next day was when you only ate 2 or 3 at a time (these were not ginormous cookies as pictured below). I don't go out and buy premade cookie dough either.  In our house they must be made from scratch.  But I don't discriminate when it comes to eating them.  From scratch, premade squares, packaged--you name it, if its a chocolate chip cookie I will eat it.  With joy and pleasure.  

I had a coupon for a free cookie--so of course
I chose chocolate chip.  Thanks Subway!

At least I used to.

Sadly, these days food carries a lot of guilt for me.  About 7 years ago I lived with a friend who was very into nutrition and health, and her love for it got me interested.  When I got married and started cooking more often my interest grew--I read books, tried new recipes, tried to be active and ate a lot of "fat free" stuff in an effort to be more "healthy."  As I delved deeper into the world of health and nutrition I focused more on whole foods and real foods--trying to cut out a lot of processed junk and cook from scratch.  I became more aware how food affected my body--and more selective as to what made it in.  I was just starting to experiment with traditionally prepared foods when I started being thirsty ALL.THE.TIME.  Yep, a couple of months later I was diagnosed with Insulin Dependent Diabetes, or Type 1 Diabetes.  

All of a sudden, food became the enemy.  What I had enjoyed so freely before was restricted.  I used to feel a little guilty if I ate too many sweets in one day or a certain week.  Now every bite I put in my mouth had to be thought out and accounted for.  Grab-n-go food seemed a thing of the past--granola bars and packs of crackers are pretty loaded with carbs after all.  The first week after I got out of the hospital I ate grilled chicken, a salad and a sweet potato every night.  It was a scary time.  I tried to look on the bright side though--thankfully I wasn't addicted to soda, I wasn't a bread fanatic, I loved green vegetables and liked to cook healthy things.  People said things like "You'll do great with this!" and "Well, if it had to happen to someone, you're one who can handle it."  Gee, thanks.

Then there were the people who now thought they had permission to judge me and the food on my plate.  Yeah, walk by at a pot luck and tell the new diabetic girl "No!" when she has cake on her plate and wag your finger at her, that'll really help her adjust to her lifelong disease. Or when she holds out her plate to be served tell her "You can't have this," because that'll really help her get over the guilt she's already feeling for wanting a small helping of mac & cheese.  I did enjoy shattering peoples preconceived notions of things they thought they knew though.  When they talked about "You can't eat ________, can you?" I loved to tell them "I can eat anything I want.  It may not be the best choice for my blood sugar, but I can still eat it and dose my insulin accordingly."  

{Stepping off my soapbox now . . .}

Fast foward to now.  As this pregnancy progresses, I feel more and more guilt over every bite I put in my mouth that doesn't consist of meat or kale or cauliflower.  I know that the food I eat affects my baby.  I've also reached the point in my pregnancy where my insulin needs are really beginning to rise.  My numbers are not those of an A1c of 6 anymore.  Butterbean is going to begin adding fat to his/her little body very soon and if I'm eating tons of wheat and sugar, that's not good for baby.  But then again, that's not a good thing for any baby.  Self-control is especially hard in a crowd where no one else is worried about their blood sugar (because none them have diabetes).  But I worry that I won't be able to control myself from eating those corn chips, or that piece of birthday cake, or those chocolate chip cookies (because I won't have just one!).  And then Butterbean will blow up like a balloon and his/her lungs won't be fully developed and he/she will come early and have low blood sugar after he/she has been delivered by c-section because he/she was too big to be delivered vaginally.  As I ate my free cookie from Subway today, this is the train of thought I had.  And it was the same train of thought as I ate Super Bowl party snacks this past Sunday.  And Christmas breakfast.  And Thanksgiving Dinner.  And when I had tacos last week.  And when I made blueberry biscuits last month.  It seems I'm never without fear and guilt over food now.  There are the days when I feel proud of myself--when I made roast chicken, kale and cauliflower for dinner and ate an almond flour scone for dessert and my numbers were perfect.  But those moments feel so few and far between.

25 week bump

And now, heaven help me, I see the nutritionist again in 2 weeks, so the food log has begun again.  I feel so much pressure leading up to every appointment with her.  I know she's not the bad guy, but man do I feel judged as she scrutinizes my diet! I want to tell her, you're not diabetic, you don't know what its like!  Your pancreas functions the way it should--who are you to tell me what I can and can't eat when you don't know what its like to have a body that doesn't work the way its supposed to?!  But she's just doing her job and I know nothing about her--she could be battling a disease I know nothing of.  She's trying to help people improve their lives and health by being a nutritionist.  She's trying to help me, not stress me out.

So, all this being said, the struggle is real folks.  As a pregnant type 1, I have realized lately how much fear, anxiety, and guilt I experience related to food right now.  Will this continue post-birth?  I have no idea.  But I know I judge myself 8 times a day or more by a number on a screen coming from a single drop of blood.  And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  If you have every felt this way, take heart.  You are not alone.  And there is hope in Christ.    

And it is this hope that I leave you with:

2 Corinthians 12:9 says: 

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

In weakness, 

Lindsey

Type 1 Pregnancy Update

Friends, I have begun to waddle.  

Things that are round.

We just got back from Disney World and I waddled all over those parks.  And found every bathroom.

Moving on . . .

This is an update more so on the diabetic side of things.  The doctors originally said they wanted to see me every 2 weeks.  Well, thankfully, that changed to every 4 weeks, so I basically go once a month now.  They were just checking my weight, my vitals, the baby's heartbeat and seeing if I had any questions.  I was also meeting with a nutritionist every 4 weeks.  I don't write down everything I eat every day, but try to write down everything about 2 weeks to 10 days before I see her, including blood sugars throughout the day.  And then this happened:

This is sweet, sweet victory in Jesus my friends!

Just so you know--that "standard range" is for non-diabetic people.  I made it into that range!!!!  What a victory!!!

I also learned a few new things lately.  According to the JDRF pregnancy toolkit:

"In this first trimester, as the cells known as your budding baby are growing and multiplying every day, your body

may call back on its prediabetes days and may actually start producing some of your own insulin again. What causes this is a bit of a biological mystery, but it’s very common for women with preexisting T1D to start cranking out a little of their own insulin again."

How cool!! I feel certain that, judging by my numbers through my first trimester, my body was producing some insulin again.  I also feel certain, judging by my numbers now, that this has stopped.  I'm reaching the point where my insulin needs are beginning to increase.   My nutritionist said that during pregnancy a woman's body has to produce 3- 5 times the amount of insulin it normally does to keep up with the growing baby.  That blew me away!  No wonder my needs for it will increase.  

We had our anatomy scan and a fetal echo-cardiogram in December, as well.  The doctor said in the anatomy scan that everything looked great and just as it should.  They were measuring the baby to be about 10.5 ounces at that point--putting it a little ahead of what my weeks were saying, but that didn't change the due date or anything.  

3D anatomy scan at 18 weeks

It was amazing seeing a bit of 3D at that ultrasound!  Look at that little face!!! I can't wait to cuddle and kiss our sweet Butterbean!!

The fetal echo-cardiogram showed great results too.  Aside from Butterbean standing on his or her head on my bladder, everything was just as it should be--normal and healthy.  Yay!

And, lastly, at my most recent doctor appointment, they began doing fundal measurements.  Your measurement should match the number of weeks along you are.  Mine matched perfectly.  Yay again!

Tomorrow we go for another appointment and what would normally be the glucose tolerance test.  Since we already know I have diabetes, it'll just be blood-work for me.  I guess there are some perks to being diabetic--I don't have to drink the nasty sugar drink everyone talks about.  #keeponthesunnyside

If anyone ever has any questions, please feel free to ask in the comments.  I'll be happy to share any info or experience I've had.  Just remember its not medical advice and I'm not a doctor.  Just a Type 1 girl sharing her own pregnancy journey.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Waddling along,

Lindsey

Life Update: Long Overdue

[This update is long overdue--not the baby.  And this update is just plain long.]

Well, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!!!

Life got a little busy there for a while with important things . . .

Like sunsets and chin scratches and cuddle time and swinging on beautiful days.

Then there were the holidays . . .

And holidays mean family time, turkey carving, more cuddles by the Christmas tree, and obligatory family Christmas tree photos. ;-)

And in the mean time, Butterbean is growing like crazy!

13 weeks                                           14 weeks                                           15 weeks

Butterbean at 15 weeks along--"Hi Mom!"

17 weeks                                          18 weeks                                           20 weeks

And we are now officially past the halfway point at 23 weeks this week!

22 week bump shot

We've also been doing a few nursery updates along the way . . .

We ripped up the old dingy stained carpet, and put down plywood plank flooring and stained it gray.  We also replaced the ugly ceiling tiles with a bead-board ceiling for a more farmhouse (and just plain pretty) look and feel.

Look closely: sleeping dogs are a fixture around here.

And Jason could not have been any sweeter--he saw these one night and got them for me.

We're starting the little one out right.  :-)

And that's pretty much whats been going on around here.  Having fun, resting and relaxing, and enjoying time with our 2 furry babies on these cold days.

Road trippin' like champs.

And if there's anyone who knows how to rest and relax--its these two.

I hope you have a great weekend and take some time to rest, as well.

Resting in Him,

Lindsey

Type 1 Pregnancy: Transitioning Trimesters

12 week bump

We had another doctor appointment this week--meeting with the OB/GYN, as well as the nutritionist.  What the nutritionist had to say was encouraging--my numbers were looking good and the only place we could really find to tweak or improve was limiting sweets a bit.  I was never much of a dessert-after-every-meal person, until my husband came along--and, boy, he is!  I'm thinking of trying to make a small dessert an every-other-day thing, and try to choose low-carb things when I do have it, like paleo mug cakes.  They are a tasty treat, but don't send my sugar skyrocketing for hours on end.  Its a much more slow and steady (and minimal!) rise and fall.  
The doctor listened to the baby's heartbeat again (!) and said, at around 140, it was great.  She said everything seemed to be healthy and just the way it should be at this point in the pregnancy.  I haven't really gained any weight yet, even though I can see my body changing, but have hovered right around where I started--also a good thing for my first trimester.  But I guess that will all begin changing before too long. :-) 
And--great news for me--they didn't want to see me again for 4 weeks!  Yay!  That was very encouraging and showed me that we were being diligent in keeping the diabetes under control and doing this right.  So the next time I see them, I will be in my second trimester!  It is hard to believe that so much time has gone by already.  Sometimes it seems to crawl by, but then I turn around and wonder where the time went?   
In non-medical news we are working on the nursery.  And by we, I mean my husband.  The ceilings in our home are all ugly, sagging old ceiling tiles.  Well, we finally ripped them down from the nursery ceiling and we are putting up bead-board--something we want to do throughout the house eventually.  

My homestud puttin' up bead-board like a boss!

It already looks so different and so good and its not finished yet.  I am so excited to see (and share) the finished product! 
Over the next few weeks I'm hoping to share more "fun" stuff (as opposed to the medical/diabetes side), since I am in between appointments.  I hope you have a great start to November, friends!

Livin' la vida low-carb,

Lindsey

Type 1 Pregnancy: First Doctor Appointments

When you are a Type 1 Diabetic, your pregnancy will be filled with doctor appointments!  I had my first one at 8 weeks and didn't know what to expect--not only is it my first pregnancy, but I've only been diagnosed for roughly a year.  

Little bitty 10 week baby bump!

I got a huge pep talk about making sure that my blood glucose levels stay "controlled" throughout the pregnancy and some of the risks of uncontrolled levels on the baby.  Namely, the risk is that the baby will take in all that sugar and just.get.BIG.  Meaning I would have to have a C-section.  Or, the baby could be birthing size (my technical jargon), but the lungs are not fully developed and would then have to spend time in the NICU after birth.  Or another option: the baby has been so used to using tons of insulin to process all my excess glucose that it continues pumping it out at that rate and when its born it goes low.  I'm not wishing for any of these scenarios, folks.  
Actually, I've always planned for as natural of a birth as possible--no inducing, no epidurals, nothing invasive.  Even with diabetes, I'd still like everything to progress as naturally as possible.  However, I have to remember that I'm working in a body that isn't functioning as it naturally should.  I should be making my own insulin, but I'm not.  And my worth as a mother, a wife, and just a person is not tied to how I give birth.  What matters is what is best for our baby.  The doctor also informed me that I will NOT go past my due date, due to the risk of the baby being so big.  
So, being a Type 1 and considered a high risk pregnancy, what else will I need to do?  First thing, I will be at the doctor every 2 weeks, until I reach 32 weeks--then I'll be there twice a week.  Also, after 28 weeks I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks.  My anatomy scan will be done at a high risk facility.  After my first doctor appointment they drew 6 vials of blood for various tests and a basic metabolic panel.  And, here was the real fun "to-do"--I had to provide a 24 hour urine specimen to measure my renal function.  What fun!  Moving on . . .
After finding all that out at my first appointment, we moved on to the fun part--the first ultrasound!  Butterbean was measuring at 2.05 cm, and I was estimated to be 8 weeks 5 days--as little more ahead of schedule than we originally thought, which is fine by me!

8 weeks 5 days and growing like a weed!

My second appointment was 2 days later--meeting with a nutritionist, bringing in my 24 hour urine specimen, and meeting briefly with a doctor.  The nutritionist looked over a day long food log--since I just got it 2 days before!  She asked me about what I ate, how my blood sugars normally were, what vitamins am I taking, yada yada yada.  I was to report back to her in 4 weeks with a more extensive food log and we'd see how things were going.  The lab lady took a fresh vial of blood to deliver with my urine specimen.  Then we met with the doctor--it consisted of introductions, did we have any questions (no), it was nice to meet you, see you later.  
Now that we had done the ultrasound and I wouldn't have another until my anatomy scan, I had no idea what to expect in subsequent doctor appointments.  What did they possibly do?  
Well, yesterday was the first of those not-knowing-what-to-expect appointments.  And can I say, it was worth it!?  Listen for yourself . . .

Yes, we got to hear Butterbean's heartbeat!!  It was healthy and strong.  I ugly cried.  It was basically one of the best moments ever.  I can't believe there's a tiny little heart beating inside me!!!  
Aside from taking my vitals and getting another lecture about how important blood glucose control is, that was the gist of the whole appointment.  Hello--that was plenty!!!  And I have no idea what to expect at the next one.  I'll be 12 weeks at that point.  

We're just taking things as they come.  Whatever it takes to make sure this Little One is as healthy as possible.  I'm looking forward to all that God will do through this little life He is knitting together in my womb!

Standing in awe,

Lindsey

Type 1 Pregnancy: The Beginning

I have Type 1 Diabetes.  I was diagnosed almost a year ago, on October 14th at the age of 29.  Talk about a curve ball.  
Jason and I had just started trying to have kids.  With all the symptoms I was experiencing, we wondered if I was pregnant--food aversions, back pain, nausea, exhaustion.  Except they were extreme--as in I thought, "if this is only the beginning of pregnancy, I don't know if I can handle it."  The only off color thing though, was the constant thirst.  As in "I need a liter of water NOW!!!"  And after I drank it all in a matter of minutes, I craved another one. NOW!!!  
Finally, one morning I just could not get out of bed.  The pregnancy test was negative.  Then I threw up.  Jason took me to the emergency room and they took me almost right back.  My lips had begun sticking to my teeth at this point because I was so dehydrated.  They ran tests and gave me an IV.  Within an hour I began to feel better.  And they came in and told me I had Diabetes.  

To begin with, I felt so ashamed.  It had to be Type 2 because of my age.  I may have weighed a little more than I should, but I tried to eat healthy, whole foods.  I rarely drank soft drinks, but I did like dessert and bread fairly regularly.  How could I have let this happen?  How did I get so fat that I got diabetes?  This wasn't supposed to happen to me--not when I preached to others about eating real food, and that fat is not the enemy.   I had no family history and every other aspect of my health was great.  
But then something crazy happened.  They changed the diagnosis.  It was Type 1 Diabetes.  Wait--how did I get a childhood disease when I'm 29.  Turns out I had a lot to learn in a short amount of time.  And just like that, I became insulin dependent.  
I started with injections--twice daily of long acting insulin, and was told to eat only 45 grams of carbs with every meal.  It wasn't until a month later, after seeing an endocrinologist who had it together for treating Type 1's, that I began meal time injections too.  
I told the doctors in the hospital that my husband and I were trying to get pregnant at the time.  How long would it be until we could get back to that?  Whoa, whoa, whoa! they said.  Do NOT get pregnant right now.  It could be 8 or 12 months or more.  You have to be controlled first.  You need to wait til we give the go ahead.  
Well, we serve a great and powerful God.  He is sovereign over diabetes, or cancer, or anything else that comes in our path.  He allowed me to have diabetes, and although I don't know the purpose--and may never this side of heaven--I will seek to practice gratitude in all things--even diabetes.  
And let me take another minute to brag on what my God can do.  Today is October 9th.  Tomorrow, just 4 days short of my "Dia-versary," I will be 9 weeks pregnant.
 

GOD IS AWESOME!

My A1c went from 10.5 at diagnosis to 6.9 now.  We were approved for pregnancy at the beginning of September and found out a week later that I was pregnant.  When you think you can't--you're right:  but God can!  This is His doing in my life.  Even though I messed up all the time and ate foods that made my sugar spike and made poor decisions and whined and complained, He didn't give up on me.  Look at how He loves us!  James 1:17 tells us that "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."  "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them," we are told in Romans 8:28.  

He takes our broken bodies and gives us His strength, and He is glorified!  I stand in awe of what He has done in less than a year, and what He is doing, and what He will do.  We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10).  He is knitting this little baby together in my womb--it is fearfully and wonderfully made!  (Psalm 139)

So, why am I writing all this?  One reason is to glorify God and tell of the great things He is doing!  But I also want to give a little information for other Type 1's out there pursing pregnancy.  It was very hard for me to find any information on what it was like to be pregnant as a Type 1.  Everything I found was just little snippets that ended in healthy babies.  I want to document the journey and hopefully be a little resource for others.  Right now only my mom reads this blog, but perhaps word will get out and these posts will help someone else facing similar challenges.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy sharing in this journey with me.  

Joyfully,

Lindsey

Welcome

Well hello there!  And welcome to Red Door Farm!

We are Jason and Lindsey (and Ellie), and we are blessed to be the new and proud owners of our very first home on 23 acres of land.

And, as of today, we just became the proud owners of this little guy.

Meet Sam.

{We found him on the side of the road nosing through some trash.  He is just skin and bones right now, but we're hoping to get him all better and fatten him up!}


We're not professional farmers--just a couple of kids with a dream (okay, so its mainly my dream).

 Anyway, we are just starting out on this journey, so we hope you will follow along with us as we seek to turn our homesteading dreams into reality through the strength and mercy of our great God.  

Enjoy your week friends!